Earlier in the year I had expressed interest to Bob about speaking at the Spring Retreat. I just got an email from him saying that if I wanted to, I can speak. So I’m spending today praying about it, hopefully following God above all. I know that I personally would love the experience, but I need to take this to Him. I want to be following Jesus, not myself. I want to know that Jesus is worth my life, not just some guy that few billion people are obsessing about.
It really struck me last night in bible study as we were praying how absurd it looks that a bunch of guys are in a room talking what seems like a ghost in the air. It just occurred to me now that that is exactly what it looks like to people who don’t believe that God exists. I find myself in a questioning mood lately as I think about surrendering every bit of my life to Christ. If I am to live entirely for him, I want to be fully convinced that He is real, alive, and worth my life. I don’t want to depend on euphemisms and christianese to convince myself of the validity of Christ’s claims about himself and God. As I look to my future, I know that a life lived for myself would be wasted. I know that God gives me purpose and I feel complete when I’m living for Him. But I need to know it. In my very soul, not just my mind. I think that most of my life, faith has been located in the mind. How much different would I look if what I “believed” was rooted deep into everything that defined me. My deepest desires would be aligned with Christs. Nothing that I would do or say would be outside of the influence of Christ. I barely know what it looks like for anything to be that way. I have always tried to live in emotional unattachment.
Something that Jack said yesterday about his relationship with Erica really got to me. He said that he could never get the reaction out of her that others could. That outrageous smile filled with a deep joy that could only come spontaneously. Love. That’s what I think it is. Not necessarily romantic love, but love none the less. You know the feeling, when you see that good friend and immediately you get so happy that you can be here with them that you rush over and give them a hug with all your might! I love that feeling, when you genuinely care about someone that much. When you can’t think of anything better than spending time with them. That is love. That is what I want with Jesus.